Now I’m Drowning In My Fears

” Cause everybody tries to put some love on the line
And everybody feels a broken heart sometimes
And even when I’m scared I have to try to fly
Sometimes I fall
But I’ve seen it done before
I gotta step outside these walls”

- Teddy Geiger These Walls

 

To say I’m completely overwhelmed for these next two weeks is without a doubt an understatement. I’ve got a huge chapter to read for Art history (because I haven’t gone to class), a bio test due latest by Thursday, Spanish chapter 6 test, a 750 word paged paper (which really isn’t that bad, I just have to read the book), AND a 4 paged paper due next tuesday on a architecture structure.

That entire list, in actuality, isn’t that bad. It’s just amount of me actually DOING the work. Finals are also next week, but ACC still has class? Like I’ll go to my classes to “review”? Weird. But I really can’t complain. UTSA won’t provide in-class study time. It’ll be a completely different ball game.

 

My relationship with Stephanie is better than it’s ever been. Every night it just seems to steadily grow. We haven’t gotten mad at each other. We haven’t gotten into a huge arguement. We haven’t had any hiccups. I’m sure we will–every couple does–, but I think it’s genuinely different this time. She makes me happy, and I can’t wait until I see her after finals. Best 3 days of my life.

 

I guess I should talk about my thanksgiving. I really don’t want to, but everyone will start wondering what I did. Well, it was the typical American thanksgiving. We fried our turkey, watched football, danced, sang, laughed, and teased. Nothing was incredibly catastrophic. Simply put, it was a fine thanksgiving. But that’s all it was–fine. I woke up at 11:30 Thursday morning to find my mother drunk as a skunk in the kitchen attempting to prepare the rest of dinner. I tried to shield Ellen, my 13 year old cousin, from any of my drunk mother’s outbursts or anything that might taint her view of my mom. I have no idea if it actually worked, but I tried my best.

 

There’s no doubt in my mind that she has no recollection of what happened. She has no bearings on whether her being drunk actually effects the rest of our family–including her brother and his family. She has decided to remove herself from any family event. We’re bracing ourselves for Christmas. It’ll probably be just as depressing as last year’s.

 

But my father and I will hope for the best. Even if she’s sober for even half the day, at least I’ll know she’ll remember it for that long…

It bothers me

That I am so obsessed with Bejeweled Blitz. Maybe it’s the beautiful clinking sounds like a toast is about to be made, or it could be the loud explosions when one of the special gems blow up; or perhaps it’s just my innate competitive nature that I must be 1st in the online tournament with my friends.

I was in first. Now I’m in 3rd. This makes me mad. So in an effort to raise my score, I have been playing this game ALL THE TIME–at stop lights, between study breaks, during class (art history mind you), and even going UP AND DOWN STAIRS.

I fear this will interfere with my work, but until it actually does…I’ll keep playing.

in other news..

I went to Houston this weekend, and it was absolutely FANTASTIC. I got there about 2 pm, and Stephanie and I just chilled for a majority of the time. We laid in her bed and talked (just talked) and chilled. We didn’t do much of anything until we were hungry. This is when we decided to go to KFC. Afterwards, we went back to her grandpa’s house and waited for her best friend Matt to get there. Matt is a really chill gay guy. I mention that he’s gay not because I am or that I really care, but 99% of the time I strongly dislike gay guys. They’re most of the time way too dramatic, and I just don’t fly with that. Anyway, Matt gained even more brownie points by suggesting hookah that night. We found this place downtown, and we had to pay the security to let us in (we were under 21). I must say, it was the best hookah I’d ever had. Seriously, it hands down kicked every San Antonio hookah bar EVER.

It was about 11-1130 when Stephanie and Matt both thought it’d be funny to take me to my first porn shop. Upon arriving, I turned beat red and didn’t know what to do with myself. They both had a good laugh at my expense, but seriously…it was awkward, haha. I have to say though…the store was really brightly lit, and I didn’t feel as if I were some dirt old bastard. So, that…was the upside. The downside was that I didn’t  know what I was doing. I just kept my hands to myself and just looked around. Finally we left about midnight, maybe 1230, and we get into my car–she won’t start. For some reason my key won’t turn in the ignition. Stephanie was driving Becca (my car, yes…I named my car), and so I didn’t know what happened. I knew that at some points my car will just refuse to turn with the key, but on the off occasions it would be because the steering wheel was locked. After about 10-15 minutes of trying to start Becca and even thumbing through the manual, I noticed that infact the steering wheel was locked. Once Becca greeted us with a friendly chuckle, we all drove to Jack in the Box then back to Stephanie’s.

By this time it was about 1 in the morning. I changed my clothes and was ready to crash (I’d been up since 6 am). I stayed up with Matt and Stephanie only a little while as they talked with Stephanie’s Papa. Soon after we all got into Steph’s room and started talking, listening to music, and what-have-you. I fell asleep almost instantly, but I overheard Stephanie tell Matt endearingly that I am the fastest sleeper in the whole world (it’s true).

Around 4 AM the three of us were uncomfortable sleeping in one full sized bed, and so Matt moved to Steph’s papa’s room, as he was out duck/dove hunting. I woke up for about an hour and talked to Steph until I finally fell back to sleep.

Saturday: we woke up around 1 pm. Matt started hounding Stephanie to get up so we could all go to the zoo! Around 2 we all got out of bed, and I started the domino effect by taking a quick shower and getting dressed. About an hour later, we all on our way out to the Houston Zoo! We stayed there for a couple of hours. Stephanie got attacked and eaten by mosquitos. Afterwards we went out to eat, got some tequila, margarita mix, and had ourselves a fine evening.

 

I must say that I’m pleasantly surprized on how well this relationship is going (thus far). there have been no crazy arguments, crazy demands, expectations, or anything of the sort. It’s easy. It’s natural. It’s right.

 

This thanksgiving we’re frying TWO turkeys, AND my favorite aunt and uncle are coming in town. It shall be fantastic and amazing. I’m working the next few days, right up until Wednesday to help prepare the store for black friday. I’ll be making about 30 hours this week. Can we say, money in the bank? I think so.

It has also been decided that I’ll be going back to UTSA this spring. I’ll talk all about that in my next post. I’ve got 2 tests I must take TOMORROW. I better get to studying.

And Tomorrow Marks a Conquest

A bit dramatic, but eh.

Tomorrow I head off to Houston. I’m actually quite nervous. Not to the degree of public speaking, but like the jitters you get when something is about to start. It’s a unique mixture of butterflies and anxiety.

I haven’t “fallen asleep” on the phone with her since Tuesday. It’s not a tall-tale sign, but eh…it’s something? Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t feel any guilt for NOT talking on the phone. I did fall asleep both times around midnight, and it’s really not my fault she goes to bed at 7 (when I’m just getting up). I’m semi-excited about this weekend. Although, now I don’t know whether I’m going to the zoo or the aquarium. I really want to go to the aquarium, but I’ve heard it sucks. It’s all up in the air…just like my feelings.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused about someone. I mean, with other girls, it’s always been, “Yes, I like her, but she’s out of my league.” Now it’s more along the lines, “Yes, I like her, but is this going anywhere? Can we really manage this? Can we really handle this? Is this fair to us?”

Maybe it’s just me thinking this whole thing is one big dilemma.

This is all so confusing. In the end, it will still be my decision–that’s the scariest part of all.

In other news…

I have revived my love of Julia Nunes, Dashboard Confessional, and Audioslave. These three will make for quite a pleasant drive.

I got pulled over yesterday for not stopping at a stop sign. Mind you, NO ONE STOPS AT THAT SIGN. Unless there’s another car…then we do. But there’s a 98% chance there will never be a car there. Whatever. I got out of the ticket.

I cooked dinner for the first time couple of days ago. I actually went to the store, got porkchops, and cooked porkchops. They were SO GOOD too. I can add that to my array of awesomeness.

It’s up in the air where I’ll be for college next year. I’m crossing my fingers for Full-Sail (in Florida), but I’m also hoping my backup of Texas A&M will pan out as well. Full-Sail is basically the informal Juliard for graphic design and everything pertaining to the entertainment industry. Unfortunately, it’s more of a technical school than an actual 4-year-university. My dad’s argument just has been slamming technical schools–”You’re basically dropping out of college… You’re quitting…what guarantees that you’ll be successful?…will you even have a job after this…?”

All his questions are valid, but at the same time they hurt. I don’t think he realized how cold he can come off. Essentially, he’s telling me that because I “can’t make it” in a 4 year university–what makes me think I can make it at full-sail? Well, simply put, it’s not that I’ve failed traditional colleges. It’s that the bureaucratic red tape hinders me from ever taking graphic design courses. The red tape told me I couldn’t major in computer science. The red tape of UT Austin told me I wasn’t “good enough”. So, a school finally tells me, “Yes, you fit here. We see that you have the passion, and we want to help you make that passion a career.” Who is to say I can’t live my life dream of being a graphic designer? Why am I being questioned because I’m REFUSING the vast amounts of money I could be making with a business degree? Why? Because in reality…

If God came up to me and gave me this option:

Katie, you have two options.

One: you go to Full-Sail and follow your dream, but you will spend your whole life without a family and a partner. You will be alone–in that regard– for the rest of your life.

Two: You go to Texas A&M, and you go on and complete your degree for a career you semi-have-your-heart-in, but you will live a life filled with children and a partner.

In all honesty, I’d choose the first option.

Am I wrong for wanting it this bad? I thought this was dreams were all about? This has been my passion since I was in the 7th grade…it’s finally right in front of me, and I could make this work.

Go big or go home.

Some Days Just Aren’t Worth Talking About

But then again, some are.

 

This weekend was nothing short of eventful. We had my sister’s baby shower. My grandmother (dad’s side) came in town for just the event. In most families, this is usually a good thing. But in mine, the fact that she came in town just begins the constant bitter taste in my mouth…

To say the least, she’s a very difficult person. Her motives have a double motive for something she wants. It’s never actually anything that pertains to us (the rest of the family); but to the naked eye, she seems like the world’s best grandmother.

Every time that side of the family gets together, give it a three hour time span and my grandmother will compare me to be like my other cousin. It’s never going to happen, but grandma never ceases to stop. So every family gathering I have to endure the suggestions from her to be like my weird cousin. Forget all her flaws Katie, and just be like her!

 

Anyway, to wrap this section up, my sister’s babyshower went quite well. Mom was a little trashed going into it, but she was sober coming out.

This weekend I head off to Houston. To answer why…it’s to visit Stephanie. I’m semi-excited. She is definitely way more excited than I’d ever be. Thinking about this whole thing just scares the shit out of me. I’m kind of in this whole mess because I have any real reason NOT to be (–okay that’s a lie). I feel like I should do this one visit at least. Then maybe a couple of weeks afterwards I should just end it and say, “Let’s be friends.” I don’t see this relationship going anywhere. I just like having someone to talk with. I enjoy my “freedom” way more than being tied down at the moment. Sure it’d be nice to have someone there for Christmas and Valentine’s and whatever other love-dove holiday may come around, but in the end…it’s really not worth it. She’s not the girl I see myself in a long distance relationship with. She’s not the girl I see spending my whole life with. She’s just someone I use to date–I use to have strong feelings for. Now I feel weird saying “Babe” or hearing 1,000,000 times that she can’t wait to see me. She’s like she should have been when we first dated.

 

I feel like all this is just one hour too late.

 

Summer Pranks Aren’t Welcome Here

Well, like most surprising conversations, you don’t exactly remember how they started. It seems people simply start talking and our language carries us from topic to topic.

This one was more of a push in the pool. I was simply minding my own business, without a care in the world, taking in life’s warm sun rays as they kissed my skin…when all of a sudden, the three culprits creped their mischievous little bodies behind my back and with one great heave–pushed me into the pool landing into a major belly flop.

The culprits would be the phrase and words we all know…

I love you

Now, for most who know me (or have dated me), I’m not afraid of commitment. In fact, I almost challenge it to come around like a bully on the playground. I’m most comfortable in a relationship. But this makes me scared. I’m nervous. I’m nervous for the amount of trust she has in me. No one really knows the damage I can really cause, but I think everyone is about to know soon enough…

Night before last Stephanie and I were on the phone. Suddenly she begins to cry, and I have no idea why. Somehow, someway we got to an emotional topic (for her). After a long, awkward pause she says, “Katie, I love you.”

I was shocked. We haven’t even been “dating” two weeks, and she’s already comfortable enough to tell me those three little words? What happened to taking it slow? What happened to repairing what was broken once before? I’m just so uncertain. I don’t even know where I’ll be in a year! For all we know I could be at Full Sail in Florida or College Station at A&M or Austin at UT. I have so many paths that ours might never cross again. And who’s to say this long distance thing is really going to work? If I go to Florida, I’m not going there with a relationship back here in Texas. I’ll be there to strictly focus on school and my future career. If I go to College Station, it’s plausible we may work, but there are no sure things. IF I make it into UT, the relationship is almost certainly a dead end. But the fact of all these options…I’m not going to set my path because of a girl. I’m not going to risk one decision affecting (essentially) the rest of my life. This is the most selfish times in our lives, but someone has to be…

Not only does the major possibility that we won’t work scare me, but it’s also the fact that she hurt me so bad the 1^st few times around. Who’s to say she won’t just flip out again? We haven’t even addressed any of those speed-bumps. We’ve just simply started “talking” again. But all of this scares me right down to the core.

I’m going to have to talk to her tonight…I can’t just keep this big of an issue inside. Especially if I’m planning to see her next weekend.

God, I’ll probably make her cry…I hate making her cry. This is just all so scary. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like it at all…

Success would be an understatement, maybe?

I just want to say that Taylor Swift’s Platinum version of Fearless is quite fantastic. I haven’t stopped listening to it =) Thanks Zune Marketplace (so much for being “exclusive” with iTunes)

Anyway, this weekend in College Station was definitely fun. I missed my cousin. So it was good that we had some down time together. Friday’s party was absolutely insane but fun. Saturday (Halloween), we just chilled most the time. We went out to dinner with a bunch of her friends I knew from high school. Sunday we simply went to lunch and hung out for a while. The entire time was some nice downtime from parents and “normal life”. It was good to be a “wholesome” college student once again…

As promised…my update with Stephanie:

She didn’t come. Wasn’t really too much of a surprise, though. I google mapped the distance / directions from where she was in Houston to College Station—it was at least a two hour drive. To really ask her to come to a party where she knew JUST me was kind of out of the question. Plus her car is way crappier than mine. So, the fact she didn’t come wasn’t surprising. However, what IS surprising is that she wants me to come in two weekends—with her grandfather being at his ranch in Austin. Basically she’s asking to play house. It’s still too early to actually call this a sure thing, but it’s looking promising. Things will get obviously interesting if this actually pulls through. I’m incredibly weary of what this might mean and what I may be getting myself into, but at the same time, she’s proving herself every night. All Friday I waited for her to text me, and she did. Saturday morning I was greeted with a very genuine text, and things have just changed. Or at least they seem to have changed. I’m not sure if they actually have, but it looks promising.

I’m (honestly) halfway crossing my fingers hoping this will work.

But we’ll see…we’ll see…

It’s funny, but not really

How I can only really post when I’m int he library at ACC. You’d think within the comforts of my own home, I could write just like I do now. But no. Life would not have it that easy.

I suppose I should apologize for my action–or really lack of action– in posting recently. I could blame it on others, but when it comes down to it it’s just that I didn’t have anything to write. Or I did and I didn’t actually FEEL like writing. Because, as we all know, actually writing about something makes it “true” (on a journalistic standpoint).

So, to break some new ground (and more than likely the disappointment factor to a lot of you), Stephanie called me last night/early this morning. She actually texted me yesterday wanting to talk to me, and she understood if I didn’t call/text her back. But of course, like my noble instinct told me to, I called. She didn’t answer. Instead, she called early this morning. I couldn’t remember how I got on the phone with her (give me a break…I’d just woken up), and she laughed. It was different though. (KATIE!!! She fckin screwed you over more times than one! What makes this time even different?!) Well to put it simply, she apologized. She acknowledged the fact I did everything right for her and how she was a complete bitch. Then an uncanny event happened: she opened up.

KATIEEEEE! Plenty of people open up! What the hell are you thinking?! What is going through your head?!

Whoa whoa, settle down. It’s different for her. She doesn’t open up. She doesn’t let people in. That was half our problem when we were actually together (and God knows we aren’t now…). I could never convince her that I was honestly there to help her. I wasn’t just there to have a girl to call my own. I wasn’t just there to sweet talk my way to a smile or two. No no, I was honestly there for her. She opened up and that says more than a 1,000 I’m sorrys.

Now, before I get text messages about this whole debacle I may get myself into, let’s review that we’re NOT in a relationship at this point. We’re not even in the TALKING stages. We’re simply repairing what failed. However, I will tell y’all that I will see her on Friday. Infact, we’re partying together on Friday. I’ve told her I can beat her in Beer Pong (although we all know I probably won’t…but eh…) and that my cousin is throwing a party in College Station. So I’ll be picking her up on Friday, and we’ll head to my cousin’s.

Should be quite an interesting weekend. I’ll be sure to blog about it Monday.

I’m also participating in a mini-competition with Cameron. She’s in the works of writing a novel for a novel competition (wow…repetition really?). I’ve been challenged with doing something along the same lines. I’ve been delt the impossible challenge of writing 1,000 words each day. I’m going to attempt to write in a memoir type fashion. Most of the time I plan on posting my 1,000 word event memoirs on here. We’ll see how this goes though.

Tonights agenda:

Study for my biology test

Write a 4 page paper for Art History

Watch Law and Order

Go to the gym

pretty intense.

Without focus

I notice things. I notice things about people. I notice more things about the people I date/have feelings for than the people I view as strict friends

I guess this is why I consider myself a half-way introvert.

It’s funny how things “in theory”

Things “in theory” almost never work out.

think about it. When we say, “Well, in theory this ____ and that ____ should work out” it never does. Plans never seem to go the way they are planned (unless for some ungodly reason you have the best planning skills ever). When the thought of a possible relationship crosses the mind, it’s either a go-get-it type of feeling or it’s a sit-and-wait approach OR it’s the oh-my-god-never reaction.

In all my relationships, the thought that crosses my mind has always been go-get-it.Never once have I hesitated, and when I did (while in the talking stages) I stopped it. You would think after three rounds of this,  I would understand that it’s not what I want. It’s not good for me. But again, it’s this tantalizing and incessant beg. It’s the throwing herself at me that I can’t refuse (with better judgement at the time). Nothing ever happens. And when I feel like something should/could happen, I end it. Like the asshole I am, I end it.

My mind is always theoretical.  In an alternate reality, the relationship should work. We would fuse together, and our relationship would be a free fluid stream. I saw her yesterday, and just like that it ended. Those thoughts vanished. The whole day I toyed with myself. The moves I could have made, the moves I should have made, the looks she gave, and the incessant circle flirting. It all culminated into one big decision: “Do I stay the night?” Halfway through our day, I already made up my mind. I told her I would be going home that night.

Every text reminds me of who I once was. I know where she is. I know where and why it stings. It’s not that I do this deliberately. It just happens.

It’s the same thing over and over. This argument that I’m afraid to love, that I’m afraid to let myself go for the unknown. If that were true then why did I find myself head over heels for the 4 past girls? I wasn’t afraid then. Ask any of them, and I’m sure they’ll tell you. I’m not so much afraid now. It’s that I know what the relationship will be. I know that it won’t work. I know that in the end it will be this stupid, god damn argument all over again. “You’re afraid! I’m not like them. Give me a chance!” Well, stop telling me that “you’re my only social circle. Aside from you, I don’t talk to anyone else”

I can’t be your dependent. I can’t be everything you have dreamt me to be. I can’t be you’re one silver lining. I can’t. I can’t. I CAN’T.

So, it’s certain now. My friends are where I will find my eternal comfort. I will wait. I will have a good time. I will be without restraints and second guesses. I will be free.

In a lighter note…

Class has been canceled ’til Thursday. Well, ACC is saying their “goal” is to reopen thursday, but that this goal may not happen. So, in the wake of all this, I am going shopping on Monday. I had an unsuccessful trip yesterday. I couldn’t find shoes that fit (my style or my feet…grr) nor could I find any shirts / jackets that suited me. grrr, it was very frustrating. Monday I will get all of this accomplished. And then! (the best part of all) I will go back to the gym! I am throwing myself back at that treadmill! It will be absolutely PHENOMENAL (it’s a great word no matter what anyone says)

Work today 5-close. Work tomorrow–get this–10 am – 3. Lowe’s closes at 7? What a bull shit type of shift…

Oh well, money is money, and I do love it so.

I just downloaded my pre-ordered copy of the New Moon soundtrack. It’s made me so incredibly happy.

Operation recovery

Operation recovery will be in effect as of next friday. The mission: the retrieve my baby blanket.

Anyone who wants to come, text me. We’ll make it happen. Make it a mini-road trip.

We will be back in our respective towns that Friday as well. This will be a strict “snatch-and-grab” procedure.

That’s all for today.