I hate it when

You don’t think I’m just as fucked up as you are in all this. I’m broken. I’m torn. Hell, I’m drinking BY MYSELF. I’m downstairs–lights off, alcohol flowing, tears held back–with the thoughts running through my head.

I’m sorry I wasn’t your soul mate. Wait, I’m sorry I didn’t feel as if I was your soul mate. You are/were a big part of my life. I hope at some point in time you will continue to be. However if all this is going to be is, “I’m the best fuckin thing for you”, “you’ll regret this later (like you always do)” bull shit. Then what’s the point? I was there. I gave it my all each and every day. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m emotionally drained.

 

I put so much time and effort into you. I put so much of myself into you. There’s not a moment I regret, but there’s not a moment I can continue.

 

I can continue to say “I’m sorry”, but what good is it? I’ll see you tomorrow, and it’ll be awkward. I’ll wish you the best in life, and you’ll sit there scoffing and huffing and puffing saying that everything I told you was a lie. IT WASN’T. Don’t sit there and tell me what I felt. I know what I felt. I felt love. I just didn’t feel in-love.

 

total difference.

Let’s see if I can do this again,

What scares me every time I get out of a relationship is that I’m not good enough for another one. Then, low and behold, the “right girl” comes along to ease my fears just for a short while. A month or two go by with my worries fleeting, and my heart beginning a new rhythm. It beats again for that one girl. I am undoubtedly hers, for as long as she has me. After my time is up, it is back to the same ol’ same ol’. Doubting myself for ever getting into the relationship. Doubting that I’m meant for any one girl in particular. Perhaps I am placed to be the stepping stone for those around me (in a good context). I help them along their road to who they are supposed to be. I am to be a terminal bachelor (ette?). To have this thought cross my mind—I’m okay with it. Should this actually be my purpose, then I can relish the time spent with these absolutely beautiful women and hold dear to the memories we shared.

But let’s say I have a true purpose? I am to complete another in a way only one person can. I am, per-say, their soul-mate. I’m not sure I have it in me to actually take on that responsibility.

After this past (failed) relationship, I can’t see myself with anyone for any long period of time. I can’t envision an Ellen and Portia fairy-tale ending. I can’t grasp any sort of good on a long term (relationship) basis.

She broke me down just as much I did her, but somehow she always broke my walls back down to beg for another chance. Listen to me—anonymous reader—it’s not that I failed to try. I tried each and every day to make that relationship reach it’s full potential by taking every step possible. Somehow everything ended up being my fault.

It was my fault for switching plans last minute. It was my fault for never consulting her ever on what plans actually were. It was always my fault for running.

It wasn’t always my fault. It’s never just one person’s fault.

I’m tired. I’m secretly breaking on a pretty consistent basis, and I’m tired of this shit. I want someone good for me in my life. I want someone to be genuine with me. I want someone who won’t alter themselves because it seems right. No—be who you are and I’ll  be the judge of whether you’re good for me.

Maybe I can express emotion for once

I’m scared of fucking up. I’m scared of hurting you for the 100th time. I’m scared of how much of you I hold in my hands. I don’t like this power. I never have. I don’t enjoy knowing that every move I make somehow affects you in some sort of connotation.

It’s difficult for me to sallow.

I’ve never had someone just—dote—on me. It’s always been the other way around. It’s extremely hard for me to sit here and know that I have you. That I’ve never really had to work. It scares me that we become a “we” in a serious fashion. We’re never that fun, entertaining, energetic, go-get’em couple. You’re so serious all the time, and that’s not a bad thing. I’m just never that serious.

I lied. I’m serious about grades. I’m serious about friends. I’m serious about FUN. I’m serious about family.

But we get so old-fashion so quick. I’m not ready for that. I’m getting more and more frightened that I may never be that way with you. It scares me that those conversations come up, or that there’s still a sting when we talk about Simba. It scares me that I risk so much just to talk to you, and yet I still get phrases like, “You need to listen more.” “You need to do ____” It’s an always I need issue. I always need to work on something that’s hindering our relationship, but I work so goddamn hard to keep us alive. It petrifies me that you don’t see that or (really) appreciate it. I want to believe you’ve changed, but when I hear things like that it makes me think twice.

Yesterday I just wanted to simply SEE you. It wasn’t about making you skip class or screwing up plans for the library. It was simply a desire to see you before you had class. Then the conversation turned into a, “these are the reasons why I can’t skip” I wanted to just hug you, say hello, and have a good class. It was simple—made complicated.

When we’re simple, things are fine. When it becomes a constant, “let me cook dinners for you,” “I’ll buy you lunch”, “let me buy you gloves”, “let me do this,” let me do that” … I don’t know what to do. To a certain point it’s very sweet and genuine, but I have the ability to take care of myself. I can do things on my own. I don’t need your ever ceasing generosity thrown at me at all times. What I need more than anything is a good friend—a best friend. I want that friendship we once had. I want that part of us back before anything else happens—although I am committed to getting that back too. But before anything else happens with an “us”, I need to feel comfortable around YOU. I want to feel comfortable with just YOU.

a few things I know

1: I’m watching “Imagine Me & You” when I get home.
2: I’m inviting my Bro (aka Andrew) over :]
3: We’re going to make a delicious dinner.
4: I’ll redo my room.
5: I’ll stay up late doing homework I should’ve done this weekend.
6: Listen to You, Me, At Six’s “new” album…(it’s new to me)

Hopefully this week will go accordingly. I need an actual journal BAD. BUT. My dad keeps dragging his feet to pay me back for school expenses. Thus my $8 journal is gonna have to wait…ugh.

soon soon.

Delete

I was going to delete this blog, but I figured I’d keep this only because I actually have some entries with literary depth.

So, for now, internet–continue to pick over my thoughts. But let this be known, this place will become a ghost-town.