I’m scared of fucking up. I’m scared of hurting you for the 100th time. I’m scared of how much of you I hold in my hands. I don’t like this power. I never have. I don’t enjoy knowing that every move I make somehow affects you in some sort of connotation.
It’s difficult for me to sallow.
I’ve never had someone just—dote—on me. It’s always been the other way around. It’s extremely hard for me to sit here and know that I have you. That I’ve never really had to work. It scares me that we become a “we” in a serious fashion. We’re never that fun, entertaining, energetic, go-get’em couple. You’re so serious all the time, and that’s not a bad thing. I’m just never that serious.
I lied. I’m serious about grades. I’m serious about friends. I’m serious about FUN. I’m serious about family.
But we get so old-fashion so quick. I’m not ready for that. I’m getting more and more frightened that I may never be that way with you. It scares me that those conversations come up, or that there’s still a sting when we talk about Simba. It scares me that I risk so much just to talk to you, and yet I still get phrases like, “You need to listen more.” “You need to do ____” It’s an always I need issue. I always need to work on something that’s hindering our relationship, but I work so goddamn hard to keep us alive. It petrifies me that you don’t see that or (really) appreciate it. I want to believe you’ve changed, but when I hear things like that it makes me think twice.
Yesterday I just wanted to simply SEE you. It wasn’t about making you skip class or screwing up plans for the library. It was simply a desire to see you before you had class. Then the conversation turned into a, “these are the reasons why I can’t skip” I wanted to just hug you, say hello, and have a good class. It was simple—made complicated.
When we’re simple, things are fine. When it becomes a constant, “let me cook dinners for you,” “I’ll buy you lunch”, “let me buy you gloves”, “let me do this,” let me do that” … I don’t know what to do. To a certain point it’s very sweet and genuine, but I have the ability to take care of myself. I can do things on my own. I don’t need your ever ceasing generosity thrown at me at all times. What I need more than anything is a good friend—a best friend. I want that friendship we once had. I want that part of us back before anything else happens—although I am committed to getting that back too. But before anything else happens with an “us”, I need to feel comfortable around YOU. I want to feel comfortable with just YOU.
