What scares me every time I get out of a relationship is that I’m not good enough for another one. Then, low and behold, the “right girl” comes along to ease my fears just for a short while. A month or two go by with my worries fleeting, and my heart beginning a new rhythm. It beats again for that one girl. I am undoubtedly hers, for as long as she has me. After my time is up, it is back to the same ol’ same ol’. Doubting myself for ever getting into the relationship. Doubting that I’m meant for any one girl in particular. Perhaps I am placed to be the stepping stone for those around me (in a good context). I help them along their road to who they are supposed to be. I am to be a terminal bachelor (ette?). To have this thought cross my mind—I’m okay with it. Should this actually be my purpose, then I can relish the time spent with these absolutely beautiful women and hold dear to the memories we shared.
But let’s say I have a true purpose? I am to complete another in a way only one person can. I am, per-say, their soul-mate. I’m not sure I have it in me to actually take on that responsibility.
After this past (failed) relationship, I can’t see myself with anyone for any long period of time. I can’t envision an Ellen and Portia fairy-tale ending. I can’t grasp any sort of good on a long term (relationship) basis.
She broke me down just as much I did her, but somehow she always broke my walls back down to beg for another chance. Listen to me—anonymous reader—it’s not that I failed to try. I tried each and every day to make that relationship reach it’s full potential by taking every step possible. Somehow everything ended up being my fault.
It was my fault for switching plans last minute. It was my fault for never consulting her ever on what plans actually were. It was always my fault for running.
It wasn’t always my fault. It’s never just one person’s fault.
I’m tired. I’m secretly breaking on a pretty consistent basis, and I’m tired of this shit. I want someone good for me in my life. I want someone to be genuine with me. I want someone who won’t alter themselves because it seems right. No—be who you are and I’ll be the judge of whether you’re good for me.
