I’m sorry I wasn’t your soul mate. Wait, I’m sorry I didn’t feel as if I was your soul mate. You are/were a big part of my life. I hope at some point in time you will continue to be. However if all this is going to be is, “I’m the best fuckin thing for you”, “you’ll regret this later (like you always do)” bull shit. Then what’s the point? I was there. I gave it my all each and every day. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m emotionally drained.

I put so much time and effort into you. I put so much of myself into you. There’s not a moment I regret, but there’s not a moment I can continue.

I can continue to say “I’m sorry”, but what good is it? I’ll see you tomorrow, and it’ll be awkward. I’ll wish you the best in life, and you’ll sit there scoffing and huffing and puffing saying that everything I told you was a lie. IT WASN’T. Don’t sit there and tell me what I felt. I know what I felt. I felt love. I just didn’t feel in-love.

total difference.

But let’s say I have a true purpose? I am to complete another in a way only one person can. I am, per-say, their soul-mate. I’m not sure I have it in me to actually take on that responsibility.

After this past (failed) relationship, I can’t see myself with anyone for any long period of time. I can’t envision an Ellen and Portia fairy-tale ending. I can’t grasp any sort of good on a long term (relationship) basis.

She broke me down just as much I did her, but somehow she always broke my walls back down to beg for another chance. Listen to me—anonymous reader—it’s not that I failed to try. I tried each and every day to make that relationship reach it’s full potential by taking every step possible. Somehow everything ended up being my fault.

It was my fault for switching plans last minute. It was my fault for never consulting her ever on what plans actually were. It was always my fault for running.

It wasn’t always my fault. It’s never just one person’s fault.

I’m tired. I’m secretly breaking on a pretty consistent basis, and I’m tired of this shit. I want someone good for me in my life. I want someone to be genuine with me. I want someone who won’t alter themselves because it seems right. No—be who you are and I’ll  be the judge of whether you’re good for me.

It’s difficult for me to sallow.

I’ve never had someone just—dote—on me. It’s always been the other way around. It’s extremely hard for me to sit here and know that I have you. That I’ve never really had to work. It scares me that we become a “we” in a serious fashion. We’re never that fun, entertaining, energetic, go-get’em couple. You’re so serious all the time, and that’s not a bad thing. I’m just never that serious.

I lied. I’m serious about grades. I’m serious about friends. I’m serious about FUN. I’m serious about family.

But we get so old-fashion so quick. I’m not ready for that. I’m getting more and more frightened that I may never be that way with you. It scares me that those conversations come up, or that there’s still a sting when we talk about Simba. It scares me that I risk so much just to talk to you, and yet I still get phrases like, “You need to listen more.” “You need to do ____” It’s an always I need issue. I always need to work on something that’s hindering our relationship, but I work so goddamn hard to keep us alive. It petrifies me that you don’t see that or (really) appreciate it. I want to believe you’ve changed, but when I hear things like that it makes me think twice.

Yesterday I just wanted to simply SEE you. It wasn’t about making you skip class or screwing up plans for the library. It was simply a desire to see you before you had class. Then the conversation turned into a, “these are the reasons why I can’t skip” I wanted to just hug you, say hello, and have a good class. It was simple—made complicated.

When we’re simple, things are fine. When it becomes a constant, “let me cook dinners for you,” “I’ll buy you lunch”, “let me buy you gloves”, “let me do this,” let me do that” … I don’t know what to do. To a certain point it’s very sweet and genuine, but I have the ability to take care of myself. I can do things on my own. I don’t need your ever ceasing generosity thrown at me at all times. What I need more than anything is a good friend—a best friend. I want that friendship we once had. I want that part of us back before anything else happens—although I am committed to getting that back too. But before anything else happens with an “us”, I need to feel comfortable around YOU. I want to feel comfortable with just YOU.

Hopefully this week will go accordingly. I need an actual journal BAD. BUT. My dad keeps dragging his feet to pay me back for school expenses. Thus my $8 journal is gonna have to wait…ugh.

soon soon.

So, for now, internet–continue to pick over my thoughts. But let this be known, this place will become a ghost-town.

Yesterday was no exception. I went to San Antonio to initially house sit, but I had plans for the night to join the 3-4 groups asking me to go. I was excited and anxious to go, but after learning the cover charges went up and the fact that it would possibly be nothing but drama. Let me explain the extent of what I was expecting:

Drama 1:

My old best friend and her first love were going to be in the same place together. Old best friend gets mad any time  I even ASSOCIATE my name to her ex, which I think is stupid because I’m friends with both of them. I had to balance both groups in a way that old best friend wouldn’t get mad and possibly cause a huge scene.

Drama 2:

A friend of mine I met through old best friend was going to be there with her girlfriend. This girlfriend never particularly liked me in the past because she always thought I was trying to steal her, my friend. I’ve always known the friend and I have been on the same page, but the girlfriend always had a grudge.

Drama 3:

The ex kept getting into trouble with someone in Drama 1′s old best friend’s first love’s group (god that’s confusing). The only way the EX was going to go is if she was throughly fucked up, and I’d have to babysit her the entire night. Basically, I had agreed to cockblock her the entire night.

Drama 4:

Girl I like, but never really thought I had a shot with. I knew/know her friends she was going with, but I never really knew their opinion of me. I didn’t really see a reason to go and try and flirt only to fail. I’d rather have her as a friend, but whats the point in going if she only ever calls me her bestie?

Drama 5:

Girl who likes me, and we’ve tried but it just didn’t work out. She would have seen drama 3 and gotten mad. Mad for the wrong reasons, but mad and hurt nonetheless. Then she would have seen Drama 4 play out. I didn’t know what was in store for Drama 4 at the time, but I guess for you that’s no excuse.

5 situations in one tiny little dance club. With a raised cover price and all those situations to play out, I decided not to go. It wasn’t worth it to me to have the potential for all that drama to happen in four hours for $20. But then, I got a call from girl in drama 4. She was throughly upset that I wasn’t going, and when I kept asking why she just kept saying, “Put it together Katie! The only reason I’m going tonight is for YOU!” So, I switched my focus on making last night right. I’d blown her off a million times just thinking we were friends thats all we’d ever be, but for her to actually tell me she likes me AND that we’d probably be dancing the night away–I just couldn’t let a chance like this slip by.

But I was honest with girl from drama 5. I told her, after I knew again I was going, that I’d be there, but for reasons she wouldn’t be happy with. When she asked–I told her. She felt hurt and betrayed, once again. Once again, I was the one with blood on my hands for her heartache, but what was I suppose to do? Drama 5 girl and I are no longer together–in fact we hardly ever were official. In my past posts are the reasons we fell apart. We gave it our all, and in the end it just did not work. Drama 5 wanted to call me and talk about what just happened. I told her there wasn’t much to talk about…Drama 4 just told me she liked me, and she was the reason I was going. Drama 5 got mad, and said something to the effect of that she was hurt again. I told her there was nothing I could do; we were hardly an exclusive item. We were left to do what we wanted, and maybe revisit the idea of us being together. However, there was no actual concrete evidence to point us in that direction. She agreed herself that August was going to be a good thing.

So, I guess I got mad that the cycle repeated again. It’s not that I failed to care; its that the situation failed. I’m just sick and tired of hearing I don’t care and I’m a cold, heartless nothing. I’m not. I’ve stood by drama 5 more times than I can count, and I never once regretted it. Although now, I’m constantly rethinking my decisions. All it is is drama. By no means is it a happy, healthy  friendship with us. One side is always different, and I fear it will always be that way. With Drama 4, yeah, she can be a bitch, but she’s not a bitch. Everyone has that ability, but we’re not defined of what we can be. However, I know she doesn’t bring me drama. We get along and joke and have fun with no strings attached. I’m not thinking about how I may come off–I’m just myself. I’m flirty, happy, playful, and just all round myself. It’s different, and that’s why I’m going for it. It’s how I feel, and I’m tired of getting slammed because of how I feel. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. I know with 4, I can still be friends with her afterwards. With 5, it’s always the unknown volatile relationship. It can always go either way. I’m not looking for that anymore.

This is your last post, and after this my door will be forever deadbolted.

isn’t this most of our childhoods? We ate. We slept. And then we proceeded to reek havoc on whatever we could (haha).

My childhood was probably normal. Sure my family had its ups and downs, but I remember it as a happy childhood. I remember playing the mud, climbing trees in my little tighty whiteys, playing video games with my brother or dad, or just playing with the neighborhood kids. I always got picked on, and I was never really that good at sports. I always had a really good basketball shot (once every game haha) or made a winning save in multiples/capture the flag, but I was never any type of shinning star.

The same goes for now– minus the embarassing climbing trees in my underwear or playingi n the mud–I dance and embarass myself more times than I can count, I play video games like I’m a pro (when I know I’m not), and I still play with the neighborhood kids (although these “kids” are really college students…). Some things just don’t change, and I guess that’s my best constant–my friends.

Sure there’s one bad apple within the whole crop, but it gets weeded out eventually. However for the most part, all my friends are strong, independent, witty, smart, sweet, are healthy (for me and themselves), and are absolutely breath-taking.

So, thank you friends for making who I am today. I wouldn’t be anywhere without y’all today.

Today has been boring. I’ve helped my dad at the storage area, and we’re both excited for the fall semester. I can’t wait to finally be back in San Antonio. Good friends. Good food. Good gym. Good life.

I guess I should talk about the ex? I guess I should say what’s on my mind…but there’s really not much on it. I’ve thought about her on occasion, but I don’t really know her. She let me in so little that the little I saw–I now doubt. Her voice isn’t even the same. Her mind is such a labyrinth that I’m just not going through again. I’m tired of hearing that she’s trying, that I need to be patient, that I’m just a liar, that I’ve got to work for her trust (to get to know her, which is what started all this in the first place), that I’m just a stubborn ass. So I left. I left for good. I don’t want anymore of this sick cycle that I keep falling into (with not just her, but with every girl). I earn their “trust” and then apparently suddenly I turn into this asshole beyond compare. Why stay in something where I’m just put down constantly? I’m sure she’s reading this saying the same thing…but that’s just it. We’re too alike to fit. I know where she’s at. I’ve been there. I’ve gotten myself out and I’m standing here today because of it. But I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. I can’t help someone with a million and a half walls and who continues to build them.

So here I go…not a care in the world. No more worrying about fixing anyone else. It’s time to kick it–kick it into high gear

Not (for me) that there was a doubt, but God knew what exactly I needed…

Day to day living will commence once again. For now (though) I’ll wait on life to begin again after the rain.

The rain can just keep falling, and He’d never hear a complaint from me about it.

Eventually the pain subsides, and eventually all it does is sting. Eventually, all the emotions go away, and what you’re left with are memories.

I’m still stinging. I’m waiting for the memories.